My Apologies

The first wedding I ever did was alongside a Rabbi. 
Rabbi White and I married my sister and my now brother-in-law Adam.

Adam is Jewish and the grandson of Holocaust survivors. 
His grandfather - who was alive and well at the wedding - survived Dachau partly due to his skills as a young watchmaker - and the crucial role he filled of fixing the watches of certain Nazi soldiers.

I’ve thought a lot about him recently because my sisters and brothers-in-law asked me recently if I would be the “spiritual guide” for my four nieces and nephews.

I have two sisters - each has two kids under the age of 6.

Only one set of kids is Jewish - or “half” Jewish as was described to me -
but all parties are open and eager to connect to the knowledge & wisdom of Judaism.

Which is actually quite Unitarian Universalist -
to open ourselves to the wisdom of the world’s religions - not in a colonial or cherry-picking sort of way - - although that has been our tendency as a tradition.
But grounded in real relationship.

There are many Jews who are also Unitarian Universalists - including (I imagine) in this community - whose particular stories and knowledge no doubt do - or could - enrich this community.

And so as I sat down a week or so ago to think about what the first lesson could be with my nieces and nephews - I knew it had to be about apologies.

Because right now we are in the very heart of the holiest time in the Jewish calendar - the high holy days.

Beginning last weekend with Rosh Hashannah, the Jewish new year and ending with Yom Kippur, the day of atonement which begins tonight at sunset.

Atonement - at - one - ment - a time of….returning to realignment…of being at-one-with your self, with others, and with all - Life, capital “L”: which some call God.

The hopeful landing at - At/one/ment - with self and others and Life on Yom Kippur - comes after a rigorous practice during the previous week (initiated by Rosh Hashanna) of really good apologies

Of pausing, surveying where amends need to be made from the past year - and taking action.

“It’s an opportunity to focus on all the places where we've missed the mark in the last year,” writes Rabbi Rachel Barenblat, “all the ways in which we've failed to live up to who we know we can be.”

I wonder if this sacred invitation baked into the calendar - to survey the last year of your life - to take stock of disrepair each fall..

I wonder if this year many of us might get understandably caught in the major upending events in our collective - in the very present disrepair in national and global landscape - in all the collective ways we’ve missed the mark.

Or perhaps certain people immediately come to mind in how they missed the mark during this past year.

But that’s not what this is -
This is an invitation for you
with your name on it.
Asking about your very personal, particular, specific life and your behaviors and relationships of the past year.

- which I would argue are the very building blocks of the collective. The ways we tend to our own personal lives and relationships being inextricably linked to the whole.

And as Rev. Victoria Safford puts it from our reading today:

“The task is not to patch things up, smooth things over, reach a compromise, or sweep mistakes and uneasy memories under the rug; the task is not to feel better. The task is ownership. The goal is truth, for its own redemptive sake.”

I want you to pause right here with me for a minute.

Maybe take a deep breath.

And if you’re willing, bring to mind someone in your life - or some moment, an event or interaction - from this past year.

Maybe it was between you and a friend
you and a spouse or partner
you and your child, or a parent.

I invite you to bring to mind someone you’d like to apologize to - for this particular thing or moment - even if it was months ago - whether it feels like a really big thing or a really little thing.

I’m not going to ask you to share it out loud with anyone, so really within the honesty of your own heart - who is someone you’d like to offer an apology - and for what.

Or someone you think you might want to offer an apology.

My advice is to trust the first person and the first thing that came to mind.

I knew that as I was writing this week I was going to have to share my own example.
One immediately came up - and I didn’t want to share it - I didn’t like the way it made me look, which is often common.

True apologies are so often difficult because they’re connected to our imperfectness as humans - the ways we inevitably harm each other…maybe especially those we love.

Apologies can be hard because they require us to look at ourselves, to look at parts of ourselves that we might not like
or that we don’t want to see.

But in the words of psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner:

“We’re all connected, we all screw up, we’re all imperfect human beings, and for this reason, the need to give and receive apologies, will be with us until our very last breath.”

“If you love other people and you wanna tend to relationships,” she says succinctly then - I’m Sorry - are probably the two most important words.”

The example I didn’t want to share with you involves my partner Andie. She has very few sacred objects in her life and one of them is this small, beautifully hand-carved wooden spatula made from the woods of North Carolina - a place that used to be home.

It’s important and meaningful to her.

One morning we were struggling to communicate - she was resting on the couch on her first day off in what felt like a long time -

she was tired, work had been hard for weeks.

We started to disagree about something small - I think it was literally about what to have for breakfast or when to have breakfast - and things escalated.

Now, later that day when we reflected on what had happened in the morning - I was of a clearer mind - and could see that although we were arguing about breakfast, what I was really feeling was at a deeper level.

Because she had been working so hard and so much recently - I had missed her…and the fact that she was resting on the couch that morning made me race off with thoughts and feelings that she was going to be too tired to do any of the fun things we had planned for our shared day.

So, rewind to that morning - and in the heat of the moment I had this lovely little wooden spatula in my hand standing in the middle of the kitchen - and I threw it on the floor - and it shattered.

Within seconds I wanted to throw myself on the rewind button and take it back - I couldn’t believe I had just done that.

Now, maybe the story you thought of is like this one, something really tangible that you did or said to another that had much deeper layers, something you knew quickly likely hurt this other person.

Or, perhaps the story you’re holding in you heart and mind more complicated and less tactile than this example. I invite you to stay close to your story.

“The goal is truth, for its own redemptive sake.” writes Rev. Victoria Safford

“I did this. I said this to you, and it was wrong. I neglected this. I botched this. I betrayed you thusly
I demeaned you, whether you ever knew it or not.
This is the truth in which both of us are living. I ask you to forgive me.” she writes.

Offering a true apology from the heart and asking for forgiveness, doesn’t actually mean forgiveness will be given…it turns out this is not required for a good apology.

Harriet Lerner actually wrote a book called “Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts” 
and in a conversation with Brené Brown about what makes a heartfelt apology she continued to come back to this central piece that - 

we don’t have control over how an apology will be received…and we don’t get to.

Dr. Lerner actually has nine essential ingredients of a true apology, which I encourage you to look-up, and includes things like:
- keeping the focus on your actions and not the other person’s response
- a heartfelt apology does not get caught in whose more to blame or whose started it 
- and it is of course offered from the heart and not over dong it.

I appreciate Lerner’s perspective describing the power and critical role of heartfelt apologies specifically within relationships where making mistakes and apologizing is shared and moves in both directions in some way or another.

A few minutes after I tried to collect the pieces of Andie’s wooden spatula scattered across the kitchen floor, I slowly walked up the stairs - feeling heavy and vulnerable but also sobered by my own behavior.

She was sitting at the edge of the bed with her own heavyness - sadness, some tears in her eyes.

“I’m so sorry” I said with what felt like my whole heart.

“I know how important this was to you and I am so sorry I broke it so intentionally.”

I wanted her to say it was ok, that she forgave me - but she wasn’t there yet.

And although that was uncomfortable for me, I knew that there wasn’t much else to say at that point and I needed to give her some space.

“The task is not about comfort, it is about truth” writes Victoria Safford.

“Awkward is irrelevant.” she includes - “The task is not about comfort, it is about truth, about wholeness and holiness. Restoration.”

And I might add - renewal - renewing ourselves through the power of speaking the truth - regardless of the outcome.

And we each always get to choose - if and how we will apologize and ask for forgiveness…and if we will offer our forgiveness when asked. No right or wrong way - just what’s true.

And so in this season of heartfelt apologies, of forgiveness and being forgiven, I invite you to join me in a practice as I close my message this morning. I think we need all the practices we can get these days. And this is a forgiveness practice -

An adaptation of Stephen Levine’s “Forgiveness Meditation” from Rev. Joanne Lubkin

I invite you to find a comfortable seat and to put a hand on your heart. You might close your eyes or find a soft gaze on the floor. Take a deep breath.

Bring into your heart the image of someone you wish to ask for forgiveness - perhaps the person you were thinking of earlier.

Open your heart to a compassionate awareness of the suffering you have caused them, intentionally or unintentionally.

Find within yourself the humility & courage to ask their forgiveness.

Say to them, “For anything I may have done that caused you pain, my thoughts, my actions, my words, I ask for your forgiveness.

For all those words that were said out of forgetfulness or fear or confusion, I ask your forgiveness.”

Don’t allow any resentment you may hold for yourself to block your reception of that forgiveness.

Let your heart soften to it.

Allow yourself to be forgiven.

Open to the possibility of forgiveness.

Holding them in your heart, say to them, “For whatever I may have done that caused you pain, I ask your forgiveness.”

Now bring into your heart the image of someone for whom you feel much resentment but that there is a crack open for forgiveness.

Take a moment to feel that person right there in the center of your chest - someone for whom you feel much resentment - someone you know personally.

Open your heart to the suffering you have endured by their transgressions.

And in your heart, bring compassionate understanding to this person.

Say to them:

“For anything you may have done that caused me pain, anything you did either intentionally or unintentionally, through your thoughts, words, or actions, I forgive you.”

Slowly allow that person to settle into your heart.

No force, just opening to them at your own pace.

Say to them, “I forgive you.”

Gently, gently open to them.

If it hurts, let it hurt.

Begin to relax the iron grip of your resentment, to let go of that incredible anger.

Say to them “I forgive you.”

And allow them to be forgiven.

Now bring an image of yourself into your heart, floating at the center of your chest. Open your heart to a compassionate awareness of the suffering you have caused to yourself & others in this Passing Year.

Bring your attention to the ways of being you have taken on, consciously or unconsciously, that have caused you to miss the mark in this Passing Year.

Realize how those ways of being no longer serve you.

Bring yourself into your heart, and using your own first name, say to yourself,

“For all that you have done in forgetfulness and fear and confusion, for all the words and thoughts and actions that may have caused pain to anyone, I forgive you.”

Open to the possibility of self-forgiveness. Let go of all the bitterness, the hardness, the judgment of yourself. Make room in your heart for yourself. Say “I forgive you” to you."

Amen. May it be so.